This shit with my dad has really got me down. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop dwelling on it. All I can do is try and reason how we got to here, what decisions and thought processes led us to the point where all I can see is his loathing for what I am.
Its funny. He says he loves us, but he really doesn't. He loves what he wishes we were or what we were ten years ago. What we are now he doesn't understand, he doesn't like, and so he attacks us. He attacks us because we dare to say to him "you're wrong, and you need to atone for what you've done". He doesn't understand that it isn't about money, or any material thing. Its about the plain and simple fact that you don't do what he did. You don't steal from your son when he's away at war and lie to your other children about it. You don't try to justify your actions when they find out. You don't get up on a podium and preach to them about forgiveness when you have done nothing deserving of forgiveness.
But he doesn't get that.
And so now we've reached that little point of no return, where we have no choice anymore but to respond to his attacks. I don't want to. I wish I could undo what he did. But we can't, and we can't pretend like what he did doesn't matter. It'd be like living with a rabid dog - you'd never know when it would turn on you.
So we're going to have to respond. I have a sinking feeling we'll do what my mom did - leave. Write him off, and say good-bye. God - I don't want to do that. But he's not leaving us much room to maneouver, and we have to fucking do something.
How did it come to this.
Miss Any?
Alright, we're gonna give this a shot
January 02, 2005
Let's see how badly I failed these last year
December 31, 2004
Okay, so its trendy
December 28, 2004
Its just like that asshole, Joe fucking Lieberman. Annoying and rather pointless.
December 27, 2004
Is this a typical Christmas?
December 26, 2004