I thought what'd I do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes

March 3, 2004

Dad:

To begin with, I know this letter is going to seem rather rambling. There are a lot of issues that need to be addressed, and it is difficult for me to discuss them all in a coherent fashion. There are a lot of topics, but I’ll try not to jump around too much. I want to ensure that you understand not only the reasons behind our silence for the past few months but the issues that we have with your current attitude and behavior.

In your letters and emails, you have speculated greatly as to the cause of our silence. I understand that it must have been frustrating not getting replies back to your emails and letters, and I’m sorry that we did not write sooner. However, this tardiness in our response was not due to any unforgiving behavior or vindictiveness on our part. The reason is that all three of us know the price of hasty words that are regretted later. It is a regrettable fact that while words and deeds can be forgiven, they are rarely, if ever, forgotten, even by the best of people. Rather than write or speak in anger towards you, we chose to remain quiet until we had no other option but to speak or write. All three of us feel that the time is, unfortunately, now. It may be that we have procrastinated somewhat in writing these letters, but given the situation, that may be understandable. None of us want to attack you or hurt you, but again unfortunately, we do have to address the concerns that you have raised in addition to the original issue at hand.

I’d specifically like to address the holidays that were missed late last year. During Thanksgiving Break, I quite honestly never checked my email, and so missed your letters to me. Honestly however, given how recent our knowledge of the theft was, I wouldn’t have seen you that early. I did however feel sad that I missed my birthday with you. It certainly wasn’t a situation that I wanted to occur. During Christmas, the three of us again debated seeing you. However, we felt that trying to act as if there was no conflict between us during that time would have felt strange. We did however take your apologies to heart and began to discuss talking with you.

Then you wrote a letter that, quite frankly, openly attacked us on many levels. The letter, to put it mildly, was shocking. The rhetoric behind your language suggested that your earlier apologies were at best only half-felt, and at worst, insincere. Since you have decided to attempt to invoke some feelings of guilt within me because of my “unforgiving” nature, I’m going to address these concerns as best I can.

In your paragraph addressed to me, you asked for the paperwork that would prevent your rent from increasing by fifty dollars. You stated also in that paragraph that you would like to give those fifty dollars to Nathan. You also recently sent me an email that stated that if I didn’t send something with my address on it, you would send me a bill for the wasted fifty dollars and that if my reason for not sending it to you was due to some vindictiveness, than my nature was “malicious and sick”. The reason why I have procrastinated in sending you the paper is because I don’t trust you. Earlier this summer, during the FAFSA mix-up, you tried to take a joint loan out with me. I wasn’t originally aware of the nature of the loan, i.e. that it was also going to be in my name. It was only after some questioning of you that I found that information out. Additionally, I was never made aware of the amount of the loan. Now, while it is totally plausible that the loan was genuinely only for my education and not for any other purpose, given the knowledge that I now have about your actions during that time, it is also equally plausible that the loan would have been for a far greater amount. Given this knowledge, and the fact that I filled out a large quantity of paperwork for Highlands in the past, I have great trepidation in sending anything to you that may in anyway be linked to my finances. After a lot of speculation, thought, and honestly, procrastination, I will send you something with my address on it. I do not wish to financially burden you, and I never have wanted to do so. I can only hope that you are being honest in this case and that this will not come back to haunt me. However, let’s be honest about this: given that you recently threatened to bill me for the fifty dollars, this is most likely going nowhere near Nathan. For all your condemnations about how money is the only thing that matters to us, you are occupied greatly with these fifty dollars a month. Hopefully, however, this does help you out.

Your next statement accused me of being unforgiving. Here, you referenced some event in my life in which I was shown great mercy. While I certainly can speculate what you meant by this, I’m going to refrain from doing so. If, however, this point needs to be discussed at a later date, I will address it, though I will be less than happy to do so. I will only say that when I have done some of the stupider things in my life, I didn’t expect people to forgive me.

I will thank you for mailing me my Bible. I had wondered where I had put it, and it is nice to have one again. It is interesting however how you made the Bible into a character attack on me. You insinuate that I haven’t looked at one in the past four years. You also claim that I need one to put some clarity in my thinking. Despite what you may believe, I have indeed looked at a Bible within the past four years, and I certainly remember the parable of the unmerciful servant. I would like to remind you however of your own interpretation of forgiveness. As you have stated many times, mostly in regards to mom, forgiveness is given when a person is truly contrite. Unfortunately, you have not demonstrated contrition in any sense of the word. While you have repeatedly asked for forgiveness, you have attacked Nathan, mine, and Abbie’s character. You have accused us of being obsessed with money. You have accused us of having an unforgiving nature. These are not the words of someone who wants forgiveness. These are the words of someone who wants to be vindicated in their actions. I’m sorry, but given your words and actions, I cannot believe that you are truly sorry. I think, given the fact that this is the second time you have stolen from a family member, and given the fact that you still believe that our unwillingness to have a meaningful relationship with you stems only from our want of money, that you are not sorry. Thus, by your own definition of what constitutes forgiveness, I should not forgive you. Finally, I do find it somewhat funny in a sad, bitter way, that someone who stole from his eldest son while he was away at war has the audacity to tell someone else to refer to a Bible for clarity of thinking. Where was your Bible when you were siphoning funds away from Nathan? Were you reading yours?

That addresses, I believe, your attacks on my character. I’d like to also address your attacks on Nathan and Abbie, as they are my brother and sister, and I care deeply about their feelings. In fact, I was hurt in some ways more by your attacks on them then your attacks on me.

In regards to Abbie, you make it seem as if it is her fault that you have left Martin Luther Chapel. I’m not sure what logic you used to come to that conclusion, but given what I know of the situation, it seemed very clear that you left that church of your own volition because of your unwillingness to be part of a church that gave communion to mom on one Sunday. Your personal beliefs regarding marriage, divorce, communion, and religion in general is not Abbie’s or Justin’s fault. The fact that you do not want to attend Martin Luther Chapel is your own decision. Do not lay the blame for your actions at their feet when you made the choice yourself. Additionally, you seem to want to make her and Justin feel guilty on some level about getting married, since, as you put it, her marriage is making you bear costs that they haven’t considered. Now, whether you are at the wedding or not is up to Abbie and Justin alone. Whether our extended family is there is also up to them. I would suggest that making the two of them feel guilty about getting married is not conducive to making them want you at their wedding. Again, this is not demonstrating contrition in anyway, shape, or form. Finally, if you are at the wedding, you can rest assured that both Nathan and I will treat you cordially and with all the due respect given to the father of the bride. I can only hope that you treat mom, myself, Nathan, Abbie, and Justin as an adult would treat other adults in a difficult situation.

In regards to Nathan, I will only say this. Please try to remember that this is the one person that always defended you, that helped you with your business when you needed it, and always tried to be there for you. Make no mistakes about it. You stole from him. You betrayed him. Your current words make it very clear that you view all of these things from a very self-righteous and arrogant perspective. Your character attacks against him certainly demonstrate this. Now, while Nathan no doubt said words in haste when he found out the measure of your betrayal, your speculations about his intents are baseless and false. He was upset that you would steal from your eldest son while he was away at war. He was upset that you would, quite frankly, stab him in the back and bring him to the brink of financial ruin. He was further upset that you would seek to justify your actions in all of this. I probably would have said worse.

Finally, the issue to all three of us is not an issue of money. I know you think that it is. However, while monetary restitution to Nathan would be nice and is important to the process of forgiving you, it is not the most important part. The fact of the matter is you are self-righteous in your attacks against us. You are arrogant in your attacks against us. Your attitude towards us has not been that of a man who seeks contrition. You lied to me and Abbie about not only your financial situation but also your actions during that summer regarding Nathan’s bank accounts. You lied to Nathan while he was in Iraq. You betrayed his trust by taking his money. You stole from him, and whether it was a thousand dollars, ten thousand dollars, or more makes no difference at all. These are the issues at hand, and these are the issues that you need to address if you ever sincerely want our forgiveness.

Matt

P.S. -

You make repeated references to our extended family being disappointed with the three of us. If any of them ever feel like discussing this with me, rather than just discussing it with you, they can reach me via any of the following means:

My address:

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Houghton, MI, 49931

email:

mcjordan81@hotmail.com

********@mtu.edu

and if I already have their email, which I don’t but if I get it then they can also email me at:

********@hotmail.com

My phones:

(906) ***-****

If all of these methods fail, they can always send letters to mom at:

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