Okay, so I haven't been updating much. Not a very big surprise there, and quite honestly, I don't really want to update much. My life is pretty mundane. Work on senior design, eat dinner with erin, drink a little, sleep a little, get laid a little, its all pretty much the standard college bullshit. The only thing that I've got weighing on my mind right now is that I still have three grad apps sitting out there with no response, and its starting to wear me down a bit.
But regardless of which, life is relatively decent.
So to keep this entry from being totally pointless, I'm going to paste in an editorial I had to write for my rhetoric class. I'm particularly proud of it because it was to be written from the perspective of someone who was from Britain, with all the cultural baggage that it entails. Enjoy.
The Monkey of Ineptitude
Matthew J.
To begin with, I’d like to say that I know very little, if anything, about monkeys. I’m not a zoologist. What I do know consists of the following: I know that they’re somewhat related to us humans, I know that they come in a variety of shapes and sizes, I know that they hail mostly from Africa, Asia, and South America, and I know that they’re remarkably good throwers with their own feces.
That’s about it.
Despite this, I feel that I have come across a sensationally good proposal for the American people. As we know, they are about to once again pick their newest leader who will lead their adolescent boy culture forward for the next four years. And like any great writer, I began this modest editorial by doing some research as to who would make the best candidate.
Now, while I’ve particularly enjoyed Bush, who has done more to unite the peoples of Europe and America than any president in the last fifty years, I already know a lot about him. I know how hard he’s tried to build bridges towards the poorer nations by including them in his “coalition of the willing”, and his earnest and open talks with North Korea, Libya, Iran, and other countries that need to have the seeds of change planted within them. But, I think it may be time for a change, and so I did some looking at the other candidates.
Okay, so honestly, I only looked at Senator John Kerry, since he seems to be the most likely to win through the Democrat primaries. Like Bush, he positively radiates the sense of honesty, trust, and level-headedness that has guided America through these past four years. The similarities are striking between him and Bush. They belonged to the same “secret society” at Yale. They both served in Vietnam, with utterly impeccable records. And like Bush, their campaign finances are without reproach.
Listening to each speak says volumes about their character, morality, and willingness to work with Europe and the rest of the world towards a peaceful future. For example, Senator Kerry has stated that “Americans deserve a principled foreign policy backed by an enlightened self-interest and undoubted military might,” while President Bush postulated that “Steady leadership requires making principled decisions based on what is important to the American people – not advocating policies that would derail our economic recovery and weaken our ability to win the War on Terror.”
Now, I think Americans would love to have either of these two great men in office. Of course, I’m flat out lying here. Both of these guys give me the willies. But, casual reader, you may be wondering what all of this has to do with my long-winded intro on monkeys.
You see, I have another proposal. Despite the attractiveness of voting for either of these two candidates, they are, unfortunately, hopelessly inept at leading their country in any direction except for the one that leads straight into the black pit of oblivion – along with the rest of the world.
So – my solution – lets have America elect a candidate that, according to probability, only ever has a 50% chance of being wrong. Let’s put a monkey into office as the President of the United States.
How can any person only ever be wrong half of the time? Well, luckily for us, President Monkeys can pick bills simply by throwing their excrement at signs that say either “Yes” or “Veto”. Given that there are only two options, and one is inevitably going to be proven right or wrong, that gives him a 50% chance of being right with every toss. Not too bad given the current state of American politics.
But how can we convince the educated masses of America to vote for such a comely candidate? Not a problem, when you consider that any monkey is bound to have better diction than President Bush and a more likeable personality than that of Senator Kerry. Watching Kerry smile is a lot like watching a skeleton grin, and listening to Bush talk is about the closest thing to torture America has devised yet. Give me a screeching, poo-throwing monkey any day of the week over those two. Hell, I’ll even hold one of the signs for him.
I won’t deny that we don’t have an uphill climb on getting a monkey in the White House. But given the options, I think everyone can agree that any monkey would be far superior to the blindingly inept idiots America has put forth this time around…again.
Miss Any?
Alright, we're gonna give this a shot
January 02, 2005
Let's see how badly I failed these last year
December 31, 2004
Okay, so its trendy
December 28, 2004
Its just like that asshole, Joe fucking Lieberman. Annoying and rather pointless.
December 27, 2004
Is this a typical Christmas?
December 26, 2004