No, my name is not Matt Darey. Its just a song I'm listening to. El Nino. Its on the Paul Oakenfold Tranceport CD. Its not too bad either. But thats not why I'm writing this entry, I just have a bad habit of naming entries off of whatever song I'm listening to at the time. Especially when I don't know what to name them.
This is a perfect example of this. About two days ago, I think, my grandma died. My dad's mom. She had been failing for awhile now, but it had progressed pretty rapidly in the past month or so. It wasn't a big surprise, and for some reason, it hasn't hit me that hard. I don't know exactly why. I liked her. Maybe loved her, but I didn't really get to know her until junior high school.
That requires some explanation I think.
My parents got into a fight with my grandparents when I was about seven. It was one of those blowups you have where all the names get called, where "you're not a good son" and "you're not good parents", etc. It ended up with me not seeing any of my extended family for the better part of seven or eight years. I only re-met them after my parents divorced - which is probably why I ended up re-meeting them. They didn't like my mom. Or at least thats what my mom says. My dad has another story. But as I've found with my family, stories are what we're good at. Truth on the other hand - not so much.
But anyways, I only really met my grandma when I was in junior high school. Given that they're from the San Francisco area, I also only saw them about once a year, if I was lucky. In the past four years, I saw them three times. Maybe less, I can't remember.
So, its not like we were real close. But, before all the shit with my dad began to fall upon me in a great stinking rain of feces, I had talked with my grandma about my dad. This was, mind you, before I had any trouble with him. She told me that she knew he was arrogant and self-righteous. I, in fact, at the time, did not fully believe her. I was proven the extent of my error sometime later, obviously, when he did his thieving trick.
So she knew. And now, probably the only real voice of reason in his life that he would have listened to, is gone. But I don't really care about that.
You see, over the past few months my dad pretty much convinced most of my extended family that my brother, myself, and my sister, are pieces of shit. We're unthinking, uncaring, unloving children who have been led astray by our evil mother, whom we now side with against him.
I wonder if he didn't get the memo that we're all over 20. Or that the "war" between he and mom has been all in his head for the past six years.
When I found out that my grandma was dying, I tried calling to talk to her. My grandpa played interception, as I knew he would. He disapproved of our actions. Told us we were on a high horse. Told us that we weren't good sons, etc. The same bit he told my dad, probably, something like fifteen years ago. And I wasn't allowed to talk to her, and I wasn't allowed, really, to say good-bye.
But now apparently, they want us to come out. Now that she's gone, and I can't say good-bye, that want us to fly out there sometime around the 20th so we can all get together and "talk". I have half a mind to tell them to go fuck themselves, and half a mind to go and apologize just so the shit stops raining.
You see, I've been wondering about the hypocrisy of my position. I sit here, angry with my dad not because of his thieving, but because he's an arrogant prick about it. He thinks he did something a little wrong but that he was justified in doing so. He thinks that he hasn't done anything wrong overall in his life - that most of what has happened to him hasn't been his fault but has been the fault of everyone else around him. Its impossible to be around him anymore. I can't go to his house, sit around, and pretend like we're a happy family when he quite frankly needs a significant amount of therapy. And a healthy dose of humility to take away that self-righteoussness and arrogance.
But, in my condemnation of his actions, am I not also being arrogant? Am I not also being self-righteouss? And if his hypocrisy is at the core of the issue, than how is me being a hypocrite any better? How can I sit here judging him when the very act puts me on his level?
The one thing I keep telling myself is that I have two options. One, I can stay where I'm at and take the long, painful road, and hope that things turn out for the better. I doubt that they will, and the end of this road will most likely end in long-term estrangement from my father. And from the good majority of family, from the looks of things. The other option would be to do what he wants: admit I'm wrong, apologize for whatever he wants me to, and pretend like I'm happy with him. But that road, despite the giant issues involved in me admitting I'm wrong (hey, I'm his son, and I have some massive arrogance issues) would result in the same problems that occurred in the past repeating. I can't stand to be around his anger and hatred for my mom. I can't stand being around him knowing that he is a thief, and that he isn't trust-worthy. And I can't stand being around him and listening to him preach at everyone like he's a good and perfect person.
It just isn't right.
And so, I won't ever get to say goodbye to my grandma, not really anyways. I'm sure he'll blame us for not wanting to see him, I'm sure he'll use this as more proof that we're a bunch of bastard children. I can't even say that he isn't totally wrong. I just know that talking with him won't currently change anything, and while I am a sucker for punishment, flying out to California to be bombarded by my extended family for my perceived bastardness is not high on my list of things to do.
Someday I'll stand and put flowers on her grave. It just may be awhile.
Miss Any?
Alright, we're gonna give this a shot
January 02, 2005
Let's see how badly I failed these last year
December 31, 2004
Okay, so its trendy
December 28, 2004
Its just like that asshole, Joe fucking Lieberman. Annoying and rather pointless.
December 27, 2004
Is this a typical Christmas?
December 26, 2004