[Edit] - Don't worry about the title. It has nothing to do with my anus or this entry, but if you've seen the underground short, you'll laugh a little.
For the past three years, I've lived all of my life, not leaving for more than a week or two, as I wanted to live it in Houghton. I dated two great girls up there, possibly falling in love with one, or both, of them. I made a lot of great friends up there, many of whom I will miss, some of whom I will stay in touch with. I learned a lot, both in my areas of interest, and about myself. And I've grown a lot. I'm certainly not the same man that I was when I left Lansing. But now, I find myself home again, and to some extent, it feels like I never left.
That's a frightening thing for me. I fled home four years ago, and after one summer vacation, vowed never to return. And yet, I find myself here again, because you can't ever really escape your family. They have a tendency to suck you back in. It would help I suppose if I had a job, or a grad school acceptance, or a plan. But even then, I think I would still somehow find myself here at this point in time. It feels wrong, but at the same time, it feels as if this is what was intended and this is what was meant to be. I need to be down here, I need to deal with my issues.
Issues like my father, who has recently insinuated physical violence against me (a comedy), told me exactly how great of a sinner I am (a truth), and told me how righteouss he is (a tragedy). Issues like my mother, who still believes somehow that I am the twelve year old son she lost ten years ago. Issues like my friends from high school, few as they were, who I now am considering retouching to see if they are worthwhile of any investment.
I look at the front page of my diary and I see the smoke stack outside of Lake Linden with the words "Fuck the Khakis". The bleak lone stack of a time long past in an area long destroyed, surrounded by the ruins of the past, with a finger up in the air saying "Fuck the establishment, we don't need you, you can't define me." But I am defined if nothing else by my past, and its high time I started dealing with it. My greatest fear is to end up like my father, my second greatest fear is to end up like my mother. And I see elements of both in me, and I am seriously frightened for the future of not myself but for whatever progeny I may spawn. If I ever have kids, will they be as disgusted we me as I am of my father? Will they vow, as I did, never to become a self-righteouss hypocrite like their father? Will they swear, as I did, not to become a self-absorbed greedy individual, as my mother all too often is?
My college days are over, and now I have a long hard road ahead of me that consists of a good portion of my life. I've always had a plan, always had a road to go down. Now that road seems to have disappeared, and I feel like that lone stack, standing out on a wasteland with the ruins of a life around me. I hope I can build something up from what I have. I just wish I had some assurances, but as usual, there are little if any.
But, hey, fuck it. Morose thoughts never got me anything or anywhere, save more guilt and depression than you could shake a stick at. I'll deal with this all in a week when I get back from California. Until than, I need to just remember that at least I made it through a stage, and in the words of my bro - I need to just adapt and overcome.
Miss Any?
Alright, we're gonna give this a shot
January 02, 2005
Let's see how badly I failed these last year
December 31, 2004
Okay, so its trendy
December 28, 2004
Its just like that asshole, Joe fucking Lieberman. Annoying and rather pointless.
December 27, 2004
Is this a typical Christmas?
December 26, 2004