Webster's defines oppression as "a sense of being weighed down in body or mind". I can't think of a better description.
Its hard to explain, honestly. THere isn't really any tangible reason as to why I should be feeling this way; no horror-bound moment upon which to draw these feelings. The interesting thing I guess is that these are old feelings that I thought were gone but have resurfaced - that same old conundrum. Its a lot of things. Family, friends - or a lack thereof, a sense of the unknown across the horizon, profound senses of loneliness; its a mix of all of this, which lets face it, is pretty normal teenage drama bullshit.
Except that I'm supposed to be over that kind of shit, and yet I'm not. I think when I fled from home I didn't exactly get over anything - I merely prolonged when I would have to come home and deal with these feelings. The problem is that I find that I can't deal with them. I find myself reverting to my old slightly goofy, slightly immature self, unable to control what I say or do because I find myself locked back into the same stereotypes that I was locked into before. I do you tell someone that you've changed? How do you react differently to a person when you have 18 years of experience reacting a different way?
This is, of course, the result. When I'm alone, when I have time to think out my responses and time to think about what and who I think I am, than I can find the words. But when I'm in those situations the responses are automatic. So I find myself oppressed by these feelings once again - those same old feelings that I hated then and hate even more now.
I'd write more about this, but I'm pretty naked and I have to get ready for work. Of course, thanks to that fuckwad Andrew, there's no chance in hell that I'm updating anytime soon. Bite my ass Shirley, and spring for some goddamned new servers before everyone moves to Livejournal.
Miss Any?
Alright, we're gonna give this a shot
January 02, 2005
Let's see how badly I failed these last year
December 31, 2004
Okay, so its trendy
December 28, 2004
Its just like that asshole, Joe fucking Lieberman. Annoying and rather pointless.
December 27, 2004
Is this a typical Christmas?
December 26, 2004