I'm a huge proponent of change. That quote from Dune - "Without change, something inside us dies" - has always rung true to me. I've found that by traipsing around the country on the debate team I had a lot of good experiences; chilling in Washington DC for some of those youth leadership conferences rocked out; I had some fairly life changing experiences at the various summer camps; and my undergraduate years were quite frankly the best years of my life. All of these occurred in very different places with very different people, and all were initiated without knowing the people or the places. In other words: everytime I've signed up for the proverbial crapshoot, I've beaten the house.
Grad school so far has been a whole other prospect. Some of this, I'm willing to admit, has been my own fault - but at the same time, I've never quite felt so isolated as I do here. The scenery is completely different than any I've encountered; while California is warm in the winter, I've only spent one Christmas out there, which was hardly extended. Its November and its seventy degrees out, and this is all shades of wrong. While bitching about the weather may seem petty, there's something to be said for the autumn leaves changing, the crisp air, the tang of snow on the air. I miss that - and I'm certainly not going to be getting any of that this year.
Than there's the people. Whooo boy. Where to begin. First, there's the people that I can't understand. Lots of that. They speak English, but its not really English, its sort of this jibberish thats a smashing hodge-podge of more twangs and accents and dialects than I can figure out. At first it was funny, and how shall I say it - quaint. Now, when I roll up to a fast food joint or I call customer service on the phone and I can't understand what the fuck people are saying, its down right fucking frustrating. But more than that, its that sense of isolation building.
And then there's the insane ultraconservative. Seriously - am I the only one here on crazy pills? People write into the local newspaper slamming it for being too "liberal" - and why? Because they had a headline "Kerry loses" - and not "Bush wins". What the fuck? Are they fucking joking? And then there were the ads run on TV. Apparently, you're a "Washington liberal" if you supported allowing immigrants to apply for food stamps. Get this - immigrants, not illegal immigrants, immigrants, people who legally emigrated to this country. I can't even begin to describe my astonishment at that. But, topping all of this was the editorial explaining why Lincoln was the worst president this country has ever seen. Are we in a fucking time warp? The civil war isn't even an issue anymore - how in the fuck are you still wrapped up around it? Alright, fine, granted - you lost - but you've had a hundred and fifty fucking years to get over it - so get the fuck over it. And its fine to celebrate your state's history - but we in Michigan don't get all rowdy against Ohio because they won the Toledo War (only slightly less known then the civil war, but trust me it happened - sorta. A pig died.)
It gets worse from there. The animosity towards any thought that isn't just extreme conservatism is just palpable. Understand this too - Houghton, where I spent four years, is very conservative. Its backwater, incredibly rural, and one of those places where things haven't changed much in 50 years. The big difference there is that while the old folks may disagree with you, its never venemous. The gay community in Houghton - of which I knew quite a few people via a few degrees or two of seperation - never felt like they were in any danger or oppressed. Far from it - Keeweenaw Pride is probably one of the most active GLB movements in any rural area I've ever seen. Maybe its just more so because the election just passed us by - and god knows the country is divisive as hell right now - but I'd like to think that although I have leftist leanings, I'm not an unreasonable person. I think, however, that I'm one of the few around here. The conservatives feel like they're on the warpath and the liberals - few as they are - feel like they're driven into a corner and are scratching at anything that comes near. Its frightening.
It doesn't end here. The department isn't quite what was advertised. While they have access to several excellent computing facilities, those aren't available to students - graduate or otherwise. Funding is limited as well - considerably more so than what was apparently available at Michigan Tech. Add that to facilities that are simply not as good, and things are looking grim. The faculty isn't bad - that's a plus mind you - but I still can't quite shake the feeling that they just aren't as good as what I came from. I feel like I downgraded, and I'm paying out my ass for it. 18 grand out my ass - and the odds of me getting an assistanceship anytime soon is pretty much nil.
All of this, however, is somewhat transient. Finding a research area I like - which I may have, the jury is out on that - offsets my initial disapointments with the department. Weather I can adjust to, given sufficient time and if I can find some outdoor activities that I can afford and enjoy. Politics is politics, and I'm certain the hostilities will fade to a much subtler hue given time. Whats killing me right now is the complete lack of socialization. I've been out to the bars - a few times - but I don't mix well in the bar scene. The people in my department, so far, are also not the kind of guys I'd typically hang out with. Its hard, I suppose, when most are foreign - although that hasn't limited me in the past - but I still can't quite mesh with any of them yet either.
God knows I'm giving it time - and usually that has done the trick for me. Usually when I force situations - attempt to make friends - I end up in bad relationships with people. I end up being friends with people I honestly don't like. Typically, when I give situations time, I naturally run into people that I like to hang around with. The problem is not that I'm antisocial - I'm actually a fairly social creature - its just that the friends I've run into are naturally people I click with, and I don't tend to force those kinds of things.
Its never taken 4 months before. I'm starting to seriously wonder if this was worth it - 18 grand further in debt, my family relationships put on hold - and lord knows I fled my family while we are still in a state of extreme shittines (more so than I've written about here), I've put any job hunting on hold, I cost my mom and stepdad about six grand in various costs to help set me up for this, the list goes on and on.
Its actually that last one that's keeping me here right now. I'd hate to give up on this and have cost them six thousand bucks (3 for the car, 2 for school, 1 for the trip) for absolutely nothing. Soul searching was supposed to be done a long time ago.
And I suppose that last sentence sums it up. I'm going to stick this out, make the best of it. If nothing else it'll be two years and then I'll move the fuck out of dodge - someplace where the trees change color and the weather turns crisp again. Someplace that is a swing state - and I'm sure the country hates those right now - but its nice to feel like I live in a meltingpot of cultures and ideas and not in a fucking stew of conservatism - or conversely, a stew of liberalism. Someplace that will pay me money for the six years of shit that I'll have put into this by then.
God damn. I needed to get this off my chest. Bitching done.
Miss Any?
Alright, we're gonna give this a shot
January 02, 2005
Let's see how badly I failed these last year
December 31, 2004
Okay, so its trendy
December 28, 2004
Its just like that asshole, Joe fucking Lieberman. Annoying and rather pointless.
December 27, 2004
Is this a typical Christmas?
December 26, 2004