I'm not really sure where I'm going to be going with this entry, I just know that I've been musing through a couple of things the past few days, the past few weeks. One thing in particular has been bugging me - or maybe, weighing on me slightly. Its nothing overt, just a nag.
It was about a year ago this time that I started dating Erin - give or take a week. Whatever. At that time I had come off a relationship that ended in the May of that year, and I wasn't really looking for anything. Erin happened to work where I worked, and while we hit it off reasonably well, I figured she was out of my class. Truth be told, she was - and she was dating someone at the time. However, by the time November rolled around, we had spent some more time together, gotten along fairly well, and she had broken up with her then-boyfriend. A few more string of events and as Brian would say, all I had to do was fadeaway and shoot.
The point of that rambling, incoherent mess is simply that relationships tend to occur in unlikely situations and in unlikely ways. Erin was not the kind of girl that I would think would usually date me: however, it happened. It wasn't a typical happening either - I got lucky. But it ended up being a relatively good relationship, with some pretty decent highs and some pretty shitty lows, but overall comfortable. And like the relationship before it, it ended in May. Which of course brings me to this year.
For the past two years I almost always start a reltionship about this time. Becky, the girl before Erin, started in October / November, and ended in May; as I just stated, Erin did too. Its sort of the cycle for me, pick up a girl in the fall, and get dumped just before summer. I'm not sure how it happens like that, but it certainly seems to coincide with the school year. Superstitious maybe, but it hasn't been a bad thing.
This time around it doesn't appear to be happening. Both Erin and Becky knew me for months before anything happened - and lets face it, that's typical. Relationships don't usually spark very quickly, they're usually tested out and felt out before any real committments begin. Through several factors - a lack of money, a lack of confidence, a lack of real motivations - I've been pretty insular so far this year. I'm not certain yet whether thats a good thing or a bad thing - girlfriends have their benefits, but also have their disadvantages. I'm certainly saving myself money right now. I'm certainly saving myself some elements of sanity. I'm certainly also missing some great times.
I wish I could go back to a few of those mornings in Erin's kitchen, when I stood there in pajamas drinking hot chocalate and watching the snow come down, my thoughts a mix of breakfast, Erin's body, and contentment. I wish I could go back to a few of those nights on Becky's bouch, the dorm room safely locked to the outside world, our bodies safely twined together under blankets as we forgot the troubles of roommates, studying and families. I wish I could redefine the concept of time in those situations as I do so often in class. I would I could extend those precious seconds to a lifetime, and spend eternity just in those warm, happy places.
Its nice to be loved, and to love. Living alone is a safe thing, but also a lonely thing.
I think I'll go to the bar tomorrow night. I need to drink until my heart stops.
Miss Any?
Alright, we're gonna give this a shot
January 02, 2005
Let's see how badly I failed these last year
December 31, 2004
Okay, so its trendy
December 28, 2004
Its just like that asshole, Joe fucking Lieberman. Annoying and rather pointless.
December 27, 2004
Is this a typical Christmas?
December 26, 2004