I'm trying to figure out a word for what I'm feeling right now. I have this wierd combined feeling growing in me, a sense of impending doom combined with a guilty sense that I haven't done enough to avoid a freight train of consequences bearing down upon me. The clearer the signs become, the more I entrench myself into doing nothing, which seems to make no sense. Its a sense of a lack of accomplishment, a sense that I'm spinning my wheels in the mud but that I'm only half-hitting the accelerator in the first place.
Malaise?
I'm not sure.
I just wish I had more motivation right now, but the best I could manage post classes was a good 3.5 hour stretch of studying before I collapsed again. There's so much I need to get done in the next couple of days, and a lot is depending on me getting it done right, but I seem to keep relegating things on to the next day. And now its 11 at night and all I wish is that at the end of the day, I had some feeling that I made progress against the mountain of shit that I need to do.
Except that I also managed to squeeze in 2 hours of video games. And a few of TV.
What a waste of time. I know that it is; I know that I don't have time to waste. But the harder I try to keep working nonstop, the worse my lapses into laziness become.
I think I could make a lot of excuses for all of this, and in fact, a good number of them would be true. But thats all they'd be - excuses - and I don't pride myself on those.
I guess the question is, as it always is, what do I want to do? How do I want to act? How do I want to think of myself?
And what can I do to get there?
More work I guess.
[EDIT] - apparently bitching like a whiny...bitch...for lack of a better term, is a good motivation for me. I just slapped out three new versions of my resume for my impending whoring to giant corporations, I slapped out a fourth for my desperate attempt at an assistantship, and I'm coming up with some decent cover letters to boot. All in an hour. It isn't a lot, but its a start. Tomorrow will be the test - review and studying of retiming, unfolding, systolic implementations, discrete cosine transformations, and more nasty shit than you can shake a dead monkey at. I need to learn this shit people: the final is on Monday and I bombed the only other grade in the class. No more fuckin around.
Miss Any?
Alright, we're gonna give this a shot
January 02, 2005
Let's see how badly I failed these last year
December 31, 2004
Okay, so its trendy
December 28, 2004
Its just like that asshole, Joe fucking Lieberman. Annoying and rather pointless.
December 27, 2004
Is this a typical Christmas?
December 26, 2004